There are few things that shock me these days. A new client coming into the salon for the first time without sideburns though still send shockwaves through me, every time. I will say to myself and then I mean, who are we kidding, if you know me you’ll know that I can’t help myself so I say directly to him, “Did you ask to have your sideburns cut off by the last person who cut your hair? or I may say “Did you cut your sideburns off by accident while shaving this morning in the shower?” or “You don’t really think having no sideburns looks good on you, do you?” or “Do you ever see a model in GQ or Esquire or a celebrity walking the red carpet without sideburns?” Really these questions I’m asking are all rhetorical. I ask all these questions and then no matter how the guy responds (because really, no excuse is a good excuse when it comes to a lack of sideburns) I say, “If you are going to get your haircut here at Fleischman Salon, then you must grow a sideburn. You cannot tell anyone I cut your hair before you grow a sideburn.” Then I usually continue ranting, “This is not the salon for you if you can’t take the sideburn tough love. This will change your life, trust me.” <strong>Because having a sideburn = GAME CHANGER.</strong>
You may think I’m nuts but admit it, you’re intrigued. If I’m right, read on…
These clients with no sideburns almost always respond with “Why do I need a sideburn?” or “Jesus, you are really passionate about sideburns, there must be something to that, tell me more, make me understand.” And I answer, “I’m so glad you are asking these questions! That must mean you care and want to learn and are open to change.” I also assume that when you come into our salon and have made the commitment to pay $75 or $85 or $100 for a haircut with us you are open to suggestions and advice. Yay! Everybody wins! Now this is my kind of game.
So here in this blog, I thought it appropriate to write a bit about sideburns. Mostly because I feel so passionately about the subject and cannot bare to keep my thoughts on them from you.
Here we go. Fleischman’s top 10 reasons every guy over the age of 10 must have sideburns:
1) They frame your face.
Would you put a photo that’s important to you on a shelf without a frame? Maybe, but the picture won’t attract any positive attention because without a frame it keeps falling over, or the edges start to curl, or the color gets warped. But, put a nice frame around the photo, and the photo takes on a whole different meaning. People will stop and look. Same goes for your face, put the proper frame around it, aka sideburns, and you’ll look like the best version of yourself.
2) No matter the haircut style, always have a side burn.
I don’t care weather you have long flowing locks or a number one all over, (which by the way, unless you are Wentworth Miller from Prison Break, I don’t suggest you ever have a number one all over). No haircut style can go without a sideburn.
3) Length matters.
The length of the sideburn matters. When I tell you to grow a sideburn, I am visualizing a certain length I consider to be the “perfect” length. That perfect length can be found by using the following method: Take a look at the inside of your ear- it has a little circular notch at the bottom. The bottom of that notch is where your sideburn should end. That is where you bring the edge of your razor to when you are shaving. That’s my perfect length on almost everyone, but the answer is yes, there are other acceptable lengths, none of which go above halfway up the ear. You can never go wrong with my “perfect” length but if you go just above or just below my perfect length, it’s cool. ps. I don’t know what’s worse though, no sideburn or a sideburn that was cut too short. Either of the two are my worst nightmare.
4) Depth/density matters.
By depth/density, I mean how thick are the sideburns I’m telling you to have. Keep your sideburn depth in check. The hair should be cut and blended tight to the face. Enough density to see the sideburn shape but close enough to the face that in a week you wont have peyot (Google it if you don’t know what I’m talking about). Keep your shit in check here, when the density gets too thick, go in and ask for a cleanup. Your stylist would be happy to quickly reblend and tighten up your burn. Oh and DO NOT try to do it yourself with the same razor you use while shaving. You’ll fuck it up and take a chunk out of your beautifully shaped sideburn, guaranteed.
5) Width matters.
Don’t EVER shave into your sideburns to make them thinner.
I can’t even talk about those toothpick sideburns I see guys walking around with. That’s like whole next level shit. I can’t begin to get involved with talking about what I feel is wrong with that. To me, a natural shaped sideburn is the only sideburn to have. By natural shaped sideburn, I mean the way the sideburn grows naturally next to the ear before what we would consider to be your beard hair. Thin out the depth but always leave the natural width. Some guys have more width than others in their burns, and that’s ok. Natural is always the way.
6) You do have hair to grow a sideburn, even if you think you don’t.
Even if you can’t grow a beard. Even if throughout your whole life you never thought you had enough hair to fill in a sideburn, let whatever hair is there grow. I can create a sideburn even if you tell me I can’t. Trust me, I can. Grow two hairs and I can form a sideburn.
7) Everyone will start to comment that you look better.
They’ll probably say “Have you lost weight?” “Are you tan?” “Did you get laid last night?” When in reality all you have done is grow a fucking sideburn.
8) You don’t play for Mr. Burns…
9) Share your new found love of sideburns.
Next time your buddy comes back from getting clobbered at the local barber, pass on your newfound appreciation for sideburns and tell him what’s up. Don’t just make fun of him behind his back. Don’t gchat to your other buddies about how childish and ridiculous and fucked up he looks. PAY what I have taught you FORWARD. Teach others that having sideburns is crucial to life…for me it goes water, food, sideburns.
10) Unless you have a shaved head you are to have a sideburn. End of discussion.
Well, this has been fun. I feel better having put this out into the world.
Up next: You must have a NATURAL neckline. Exclamation point!